Chick-fil-A Customers Officially Stupid

The restaurant chain has a few suggestions for the infantilized morbidly obese majority of America.

It’s like Legos for fat people.

I’ve never been to Chick-fil-A, and I don’t mean that in a smug “I don’t watch TV and by the way I’m also lying” kind of way, I just haven’t made it there. My awareness of the establishment includes snippets I’ve caught from social media: It is owned by conservative Christians and so it is not open on Sundays, the conservative Christian owners are anti-gay bigots, and they have many sauces.

Some googling confirmed this. The CEO is a guy named Dan Cathy and he inherited the restaurant chain from his father, which makes him a Republican because he didn’t work for what he has and doesn’t want to pay taxes on it. He’s donated repeatedly to a bunch of insane right-wing organizations, one of which preaches gay conversion therapy. He’s most likely gay. As evidence of this he has mandated that employees say “My Pleasure” instead of “Thank You” because he observed this happening while he was staying at a Ritz-Carlton with money he didn’t earn and clearly has a weird butler fetish.

The company was founded in rural Georgia near the Alabama border and is currently based in Atlanta. I don’t like to preach that the Deep South is an inferior region of America just because it is proven over and over, but apparently the backwards thinking shitkickers who run Chick-fil-A seem to think of their customer base as obese hillbilly retards akin.

They recently responded to a few rumors going around on social media—most certainly among the unemployed—that the fast-food chain has a ‘secret menu’ which includes fried pickles, a grilled cheese sandwich, and some sort of quesadilla contraption.

The corporate office issued an official press release which stated there is in fact not a secret menu and begged its toothless customers to stop asking the employees about it because presumably this was disrupting the production chain. Then they suggested that, in leu of secret menu items, Chick-fil-A customers could create their own secret menu treats by simply buying a bunch of Chick-fil-A items and piling all of it on top of each other or stuffing one item into another like a cheap turducken.

For example, you cannot order Buffalo Mac & Cheese. But you can:

Order Nuggets or Grilled Nuggets, Mac & Cheese, Zesty Buffalo Sauce and Garden Herb Ranch Sauce. Chop your Nuggets into small pieces and mix them into the Mac & Cheese container. Finish by drizzling both sauces over the combination for a savory and spicy meal or snack.  

I find this offensively and telling—and not just because they are considering a thousand-calorie mukbang a snack. They’re apparently under the correct impression that their customers are a bunch of mouth breathers who were previously unaware that you can make a Double Chicken Club Sandwich by ordering two chicken sandwiches and mashing them on top of one another.

Another brilliant suggestion of theirs is taking some Chick-n-Minis—already an extremely shitty item which is just a chicken nugget stuffed into a bivalved roll—and then bathe some hashbrowns in whatever soybean-oil-based sauce you want and stuff it into the Mini. They call this a Chick-n-Mini Masterpiece, whereas those of us on the western seaboard might refer to it as ‘esophageal cancer.’

All jokes aside, Chick-fil-A certainly considers their customers to be extremely dim, uncreative, and extremely suggestible. Rubes is another way to put it, who are able to be tricked into spending twice as much of their EBT money than they had planned because they think sitting on two menu items for ten minutes and letting their ass sweat soak into it or bathing something in corn syrup that they were already going to use as a dipping sauce actually makes it an entirely new entity created by alchemy.

It would be like if Chevrolet needed to tell its customers that they could make their car into a racecar by painting a racing stripe down the side or if the NBA suggested you hold a basketball on your lap during the game to enhance the experience or if a timeshare company told you that you could get a bigger timeshare by buying two timeshares.

All told, Chick-fil-A seems like a business run by asshats and patronized by dumber asshats, and I think I’ll avoid it at all costs based on this press release. And, also the gay thing.