Lauren Boebert: Florida Woman
At first, experts had trouble figuring out what was wrong with her
At first Lauren Boebert’s sophomoric display of histrionics at the State of the Union address confounded experts. They ran a battery of simulations in their logarithms, but still an explanation eluded them.
Boebert’s cringy performance went so far as to draw groans even from fellow Republicans, who don’t even murmur or break eye-contact when there is an organized effort to invalidate a democratically held election.
Registering the vocalized disapproval emitted from Republican lawmakers is still an evolving science involving a Geiger-counter to measure the mashed-potato particulates in the air and then dumping holy-water all over the lab-slide as a chemical stain.
Boebert sat during the address eagerly waiting to heckle the president like a feral dog staring at someone holding a can of tuna in one hand and a can-opener in the other, and when Biden briefly paused while discussing the war in Afghanistan she piped up, apparently blaming President Biden for the deaths of thirteen American servicemen which resulted from the United States withdrawing its forces.
While an unfortunate occurrence, many military strategists and guys at pubs with buffalo sauce all over their faces acquiesced to the fact that a complete withdrawal of troops from a country they had been occupying for over twenty years after overturning its government several times might not go as smoothly as, say, exiting the Whole Foods without being solicited by a PETA advocate with a clipboard.
Many staunch conservatives such as Lindsey Graham and also Dicknose of Slipknot pointed out that Boebert’s behavior was in incredibly poor taste, given that Biden was speaking about his son Beau, who possibly died as a result of his combat experience.
It didn’t seem to outside observers that Boebert was “supporting the troops,” as she claims to, based on the seven bumper-stickers on her pickup truck in the parking lot of the Capitol Building (which suspiciously had some discarded Taco Bell littered next to the driver-side door.)
Experts were flummoxed by her floridian behavior until a major break in the case on Tuesday evening, when it was discovered that Lauren Boebert is from Florida. A working theory gained traction when it was further revealed that Boebert is from [trigger warning] a suburb of Orlando.
Suddenly everything came into focus. The GED being her highest level of education. Her bad Sarah Palin impression. The fact that her son was born in the front seat of a pickup truck. Her thinking it would be cool to open a restaurant where the staff open-carry firearms. Trying to carry a gun past metal-detectors into the Capitol Building. Being arrested for a drunken public disturbance and then missing two of her court dates, presumably because she was busy watching tractor-pulls on ESPN 3. That her and her husband have each been charged with several counts of domestic violence. Her owning many compact disks.
Investigators soon developed a working theory that Boebert might need to be classified as “Trash,” and this was soon reaffirmed by what an anonymous source described as “the smoking gun.”
It turns out that in 2004, Bobert’s husband, Jayson Boebert, was charged and convicted of lewd indecency and public exposure after he showed his penis to a sixteen-year-old girl at the snack bar of a bowling alley in their hometown of Rifle, Colorado, population ten thousand.
According to a report from the Garfield County Sheriff’s Office, Jayson Boebert, likely reeking of liqueur, overheard two girls talking about their tattoos, at which point he told them he wanted to show them his tattoo, which he said was on his penis.
Then he took his penis out. Lauren Boebert was presumably in the vicinity as this was transpiring, because she was listed as a witness on the report. They are still happily married.
The girls, smartly, called the police.
Jayson Boebert told the officers that he had “displayed his thumb pretending it was his genitals in a gesture of fun,” according to the report, but one of the victims wrote in her statement to police, “I know that wasn’t his thumb, because thumbs aren’t six inches long.”
Though Jayson Boebert may be an average American in this respect, many activists are calling for this couple to replace Steve-O on Florida’s state flag.
The Garfield County Sheriff’s Office confirmed that they had received many calls from concerned citizens who claimed that Boebert not being from Florida “just didn’t add up,” with one longtime Colorado resident chiming in that “If she isn’t from Florida, then tell me, who is?”
In May of 2020 Lauren Boebert tweeted “I am a mother to 4 boys. My husband and I are raising them to be strong men! I refuse to send my children into a socialist nation.”
What about sending them to the bowling alley?
EDITED TO ADD: As a follow up, according to Boebert’s mom, Lauren Boebert is a product of her mother having an affair with her first cousin, who was a professional wrestler and went by the name Stan Lane. You can’t make this up.