Lauren Boebert Being A Product of Incest Is Legitimately Up For Debate
Experts are now wondering if this person is a fictional character or not
After witnessing Lauren Boebert’s behavior at the State of the Union address I unearthed the fact that she is indeed from Florida, and this offered some context as to why she is Tom Joad on Adderall.
A loyal friend read my previous article which among other things listed how Boebert is ‘white trash,’ a term I am not especially fond of using, but I also don’t like admitting that sweet little kitty-cats spend their time murdering pretty birds or that Adam Levine can get free drinks and I usually cannot.
There are things I’d rather remain in denial about, but that doesn’t make them any less true. Sometimes, if people try hard enough, they can actually make you a racist for a little while. Most of us try to fight it, but sometimes they win out.
A brief recap:
1. Boebert has four sons, one of whom she gave birth to in the front seat of her pickup truck.
That is her claim anyway. It seems somewhat unlikely, and it’s difficult to tell if this tale is apocryphal in nature and she is laying it on a bit thick as they say.
You wouldn’t think someone would embellish something that isn’t especially flattering but I suspect that, even though Boebert is certifiable white trash, she may be playing it up a bit also.
Her lack of sophistication is central to her identity at this point, and I think she would view banging her cousin while gacked out on amphetamines as a sort of stick-it-to-the-liberal-elites form of social activism. More on that later.
2. Her husband is an actual pedophile and dangerous deviant who exposes his genitals to unsuspecting teenage girls in bowling alleys.
He did this in the presence of Lauren Boebert, in addition to the teenage girls. He was convicted. She stayed with him and continued to reproduce his children and claims he is a “Good man.” He isn’t.
3. They are that couple who you see on Cops or Live PD who are constantly calling the police on each other because of domestic violence issues. They’ve both been convicted of physically assaulting each other, likely while drunk and in the presence of their children, one would assume.
4. She owns a bar called Shooters in Rifle, Colorado. The theme of the place is that all of the staff open-carry firearms. I’m fine with guns but this is a moronic gimmick and if you go in knowing this, or for any reason other than posting a smug Instagram story about it, you are a tremendous loser.
5. She’s a high-school dropout. It’s pretty weird that if you apply to work at California Pizza Kitchen they require a high-school diploma, but congress doesn’t.
6. She *literally* believes that a covert government agent named Q runs a website that exposes, among other information which is being concealed by the government as part of a liberal deep state conspiracy, that the Democrats run a child sex-trafficking ring out of the basement of a place called Comet Pizza.
In reality the restaurant actually doesn’t have a basement. This is also rich coming from someone who is married to a pedophile - which is not a conspiracy theory so much as a legally documented fact.
I didn’t really think she could become any more ridiculous, but somehow I missed a crucial element of Boebert’s origin story, which really explains a lot.
You can’t really make this kind of thing up, but here it is: Lauren Boebert’s mother claims, and it is pretty close to verifiable, that Lauren was conceived through a relationship she had with her first-cousin, who was a professional wrestler named ‘Sweet’ Stan Lane. Her mother was also seventeen years old at the time, which means that in the legal sense, Boebert is a product of rape, and possible incest.
Kind of. While having sex with your first-cousin is illegal in many states - it’s a criminal offense in Texas, for example - it was of dubious legal consequence at that time in Florida. It’s now legal there, as you’d assume, meaning they thought about it and decided to give it the go-ahead which is not surprising because many of the politicians there, including Jeb Bush, are themselves inbred.
As strange as it seems, having a child with one’s first cousin is very common worldwide, and this arrangement makes up around ten percent of all marriages on the planet. In Pakistan, for example, ninety percent of the population is married to a cousin.
While the lack of chromosomal diversity is an issue, there’s only about a three percent risk of offspring having birth defects as opposed to a child born to non-cousins.
Either way the kid will likely be pretty ugly.
I’ve been able, through my research, to certify that Zendaya and Dwayne Johnson, while attractive people, are not the result of their parents being the children of their siblings, which is extremely creepy when put bluntly, but in fact Harvey Weinstein and Clint Howard might have somewhat awkward family reunions.
We’re talking issues such as clubbed-feet, webbed toes, Down-syndrom, and whatever Lauren Boebert has.
To state the obvious, the fact that her absentee father is a professional wrestler whose shtick was being a womanizer is too perfect to even appear real.
While tragic, her life has become a fountain of comedic material that defies implausibility. It does not seem as though she is in on the joke.
At this point it would not be surprising if Lauren Boebert was arrested for shooting a bazooka at an endangered whale while drinking Wild Turkey straight out of the bottle at a Brooks & Dunn concert while giving birth to a mongoloid child who was chewing Kodiak en utero while claiming that Donald Trump is a scratch golfer.
I don’t know. If you are in her congressional district you really might have some serious thinking to do about this, if you haven’t already.
The story of Boebert’s conception is a fascinating and well researched article written by David Bixenspan for Mel Magazine. I’d recommend googling and reading it.