Long Covid's Potential Risk Factors Revealed

Medical literature is consistently finding that being spoiled or annoying may contribute to developing this chronic condition.

Let’s face it, we all know someone who desperately wants to have a disease. There are many reasons a person may wish to permanently wear sweatpants: Attention, sympathy, disability benefits, and the desire to be cast on a TLC docuseries.

Researchers are beginning to find that a disproportionate number of people affected by Long-Haul Covid suffer from a separate condition characterized by being really fucking annoying. Most of the time they have tried a few other diseases on for size but didn’t find one that fit their specific needs.

Some find that their fake symptoms are mild enough to elicit very little response, as people tend to tune out when you drone on for hours about your sore eyelids. Other diseases, such as Bubonic Plague, are more demanding when it comes to convincing potential Go Fund Me contributors.

Feminist writer and second-hand smoke survivor Lena Dunham recently diagnosed herself with Long Covid, as you would assume. Dunham’s Upper Westside upbringing provided her with nearly everything a child could wish for, except for the victimhood which she now desperately craves.

Apart from the permanent Covid she now has, which will be frequently updated on Instagram while sitting in front of a vanity mirror, Dunham also recently decided that she was once spat upon when she returned home from her service in Vietnam.

Fatigue, muscle-weakness, and anxiety appear to be the most common markers of Long Covid, however experts are now noticing a host of new long-lasting markers may be associated with the Omicron variant. These include stacking up a lot of used takeout containers on a table in your bedroom, wearing a crewneck sweatshirt with a cartoon character on it, attempting to involve loved ones in a multi-level-marketing scheme, and making flyers for a pet-sitting business.

It is further unclear what role, if any, that influencers will have on the proliferation of this condition. Hollywood insiders have long believed Chronic Lyme Disease to be the standard-bearer of impossible to diagnose diseases which affect mostly affluent white women, but the scuttlebutt is that Long Covid has the potential to make an impact.

It’s too early to know for certain, but the fact that Covid is sure to be in the news for at least the next year make it highly attractive to narcissistic malingerers. It remains possible that Lena Dunham may combine forces with a panelist on The View to create a new hyphenated syndrome which can only be treated by posting bright and cheery photos of egg sandwiches and glasses of lemonade to social media.

Those wondering whether or not to take on the identity of a Long Covid person have a few issues to consider. While pretending this is a thing will allow a willing sufferer to blame “brain-fog” on forgetting to bring their credit card to a group dinner at a fancy restaurant, there is also the potential that laying around the house all day will somehow cause you to develop dark circles underneath your eyes even though you sleep eleven hours a day.

While there is still so much we don’t know, one thing is for certain: Sufferers of Long Covid will continue to watch with captivation as their lapdog pisses on the carpet rather than take it for a walk. Sometimes they may even congratulate the dog by saying “Good job.”