M&M's Sales Point to Lack of American Exceptionalism
The most popular candy in America has been described as "dull" and "shitty" by many critics yet its popularity persists
In 2021 M&M’s were again America’s top selling candy, as they were the year before and the year before that.
This is telling because M&M’s are pretty boring. They’re certainly not the best of America’s widely available candies. The shell tastes a little bit like dye, and there is too much shell involved in the shell to chocolate ratio.
It’s also plainly obvious that all of the colors taste the same. I find that this to be a deceptive, dastardly trick. Your first question should be “Why are they even different colors then?”
Nobody cool, nobody with good taste, nobody who “knows how to party” would ever say M&M’s are their favorite candy. They’re fine, sure. But if you think M&M’s are better than Snickers, Butterfinger, or Toblerone then you are a fucking joke and nobody likes you.
Everyone knows the slogan. “They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.” Well why do you need to be clutching a handful of M&M’S in the first place? They come in a bag, right? Simply pour them from the bag into your hand or even directly into your mouth when you need to eat them. That way they don’t need a chemical shield to prevent them from leeching into your sweaty palms.
Only the type of person who says M&M’s are their favorite candy would need this explained to them.
The fact that M&M’s, a bland pedestrian candy, are the most popular choice for Americans year after year says a lot.
First and foremost, it says they are the most average candy on the market. They are not bad, but they are not comparatively good. The average person is, by definition, average.
They aren’t especially interesting, on average, and so they aren’t attracted to interesting candies, such as Sour Patch Kids. M&M’s have been selected to be the most popular candy not by virtue of their superior quality, but simply because their average quality appeals to most baseline person.
They also spend the more money on advertising than any other candy, and dense people, the kind who like M&M’s, are more heavily influenced by advertising than people higher on the bell-curve.
This is a huge problem. The political candidate who spends the most money on advertising always wins too. The same goes with everything else. It’s the reason you know Hotel California by heart. Payola.
Do you know why the Dallas Cowboys are the most popular football team in America, why they are the most valuable franchise despite not being in a top market? Because they called themselves “America’s Team,” and dumb people, the people who like M&M’s, figured “I am an American. I will support the Dallas Cowboys, even though I live in the Bay Area.”
Everyone has this type of friend. You know the guy, you walk up to him at work, he is cradling a dozen M&M’s in his palm, and he says “Man, I can’t wait to see the new Spiderman movie.”
Why? Those movies all suck, you dipshit. You don’t even like comic books. Or movies really. Why would you make it a point to go see Spiderman? It’s because there was a huge advertising campaign. He saw a commercial, a few billboards.
M&M’s is certainly a catchy name. So was Agent Orange.
It’s just so disappointing, the mathematical reality that average people are going to make average things the most popular, especially when there are such great choices out there, right on the same rack. Ever heard of a Take 5 bar? The Hershey company debuted it in 2004. It is an amazing concoction of a delicious salty pretzel, peanuts, and caramel, covered in chocolate.
It beats the hell out of M&M’s on every level. It’s more complex. It’s more original. It has more depth of flavor. More craftmanship. It’s simply better. So are jelly beans and Caramellos. The Oh Henry! bar is simply divine. Recee’s Peanut Butter Cups are much more satisfying than the M&M’s sitting in your grandmother’s candy dish.
Do you ever sit back and wonder things, like what the hell is going on? The answer is M&M’s.
How is Whoopie Golberg on TV? M&M’s. Why is Kanye West even a thing? M&M’s. How is Gavin Newsome the governor of California? M&M’s. What was up with that Fifty Shades of Grey bullshit? M&M’s. Oprah? M&M’s. Does America really not have universal healthcare? M&M’s. Seriously, Russia has a lower infant mortality rate than us? M&M’s. We are still putting drug users in prison? M&M’s. Do the police really need tanks? M&M’s. We have Nazis now? M&M’s. You think the election was stolen from Trump? M&M’s. Pete Davidson, really? M&M’s. Citizens United? M&M’s. James Corden? M&M’s. Q-Anon? M&M’s. McRib? M&M’s. A Handmaid’s Tale? M&M’s. You’re bringing your dog on the fucking plane? M&M’s. Ted Cruz? M&M’s. Mark Zuckerberg? M&M’s. Carnival Cruise? M&M’s. Jared Kusher? M&M’s? M&M’s.
It’s a harsh reality, but the solution is right there. You have the agency. Resist melting away into mediocrity. Grab a Milky Way or some Skittles. Take the red pill. Do it for yourself. Do it for your country.