Meghan Markle's Lifestyle Brand Drops

And Jessica Alba's missing chromosomes.

Pondering getting a job

There are a few rules everyone should live by, assuming that self-preservation is a major life priority: Floss, sleep somewhere between six and ten hours, and don’t trust anyone with a lifestyle brand, they are charlatans.

Meghan Markle has debuted her new business after public opinion weeded her out of more ambitious projects, where she will mark up existing wholesale products by eight hundred percent, although customers must understand that they’re paying for the brand, as it is associated with Meghan Markle.

Elegance. Class. Beauty.

Those are adjectives that Markle’s brand will likely use to describe it.

I would use Trash. Nausea. Sub-mediocre. Just… Markle.

This is a woman who’s allowed vanity hobbies because she’s screwing a dorky bald redhead and living off of The Firm, an account with a trillion dollars that the Royal Family has maintained through generations, ill-gotten, slave profiteering money, colonizer money, and no, they don’t pay taxes on it.

Whatever you think about it, it’s definitely not a progressive arrangement, no matter how much you whine about internet bullies (who I throw my full support behind in this case.)

If you identify with Meghan Markle’s lifestyle brand, then, congratulations, you are a jerk, you’ve just failed at it.

The brand is called American Riviera Orchard, and that really rolls off the tongue if you’re in an iron lung and living in the Guangdong province and eating a hoagie with no spread on it.

Why does this name, likely focus-group tested and workshopped to the tune of hundreds of thousands or millions of dollars, suck so badly?

Why does it sound like they really couldn’t decide between the words Riviera and Orchard and just slammed them together like they were blowing money on a Taco Bell order?

I mean, surely a lot of smart people are involved in this project, right?

No, not at all. What more evidence do we need?

The American Riviera is, as I have just discovered, what some people call California’s Central Coast, Santa Barbara and the surrounding areas.

This is where Meghan Markle lives, in a house she contributed no money towards, which is pretty inspiring to aspiring gold diggers and chicks who spend all day on their phones.

I’ve been to Santa Barbara and the surrounding area hundreds of times and I’ve never once heard someone call it The American Riviera, but I don’t hang out with people who think giving their gardener a bottle of water is an act of heroism (and a tax write-off) and I don’t hang out with them by choice.

I hope this brand does not succeed and I guess that makes me a hater, which I’ve never really understood.

For example, right now, in the state of Montana, there is an active serial killer responsible for the deaths of dozens of Native American women who have gone missing from or near the Blackfoot Indian Reservation at a rate that can only point to one possibility.

If I genuinely hope that this person does not continue killing more victims, does this make me a hater, or has anyone fully thought this concept through?

You just can’t trust anyone with a lifestyle brand. They’re all creepy. How many ways are there to mix protein powder? It’s absurd.

By engaging in this industry they’re telling you that they want to rip you off, and they’re doing it with a smile on their face, and I don’t understand why you’re handing them the money.

One of the more fascinating examples from my perspective is The Honest Company, co-founded by retired forty-two year old actress Jessica Alba, who is the face of the operation.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say Jessica Alba is not an idiot, like Markle, and probably pretty bright, because The Honest Company is a brand name that would inspire trust in mindless breeder consumers who think having a baby is an accomplishment akin to scaling the inverted face of Mt. Everest, which to my knowledge has happened only once, whereas having a baby happens roughly four hundred thousand times per day, and about a hundred billion times in recorded history.

Alba didn’t name her company American Riviera Orchard, which would inspire trust in a Russian AI bot programmed by an organ trafficker.

She has frequently mentioned that as a child she was often in ill health, that she currently struggles with allergies, and that the organic nature of The Honest Company’s products has changed her life for the better, and will do so for you and your children.

Clean, organic living.

Here’s what she’s not telling you: The reason she was and still is sick a lot of the time is that she has Turner Syndrome.

Turner Syndrome is a genetic disorder in which a person, a woman, is completely missing one of the two chromosomes normally present, which are the two X chromosomes.

People with Turner Syndrome only have one X chromosome, and therefore present a slough of physiological defects, which frequently include heart problems, liver and kidney problems, fertility issues, and a host of autoimmune disorders.

They are also often of short stature and have webbed necks and low hairlines, short fingers, and widely spaced nipples.

But Alba never mentions that she has Turner Syndrome when advocating for her brand, she simply mentions her current and past ailments.

The connection I am forced to make is that she is claiming that her physical challenges were caused by inorganic laundry detergent, and not the fact that she is missing FIFTY PERCENT OF HER CHROMOSOMES.

This is nothing against people with Turner Syndrome, it’s against people who lie with a straight face.

Alba is telling you that herbal tea can replace an X chromosome, a hard pill to swallow really, and Markle is telling you that her garbage products will make you a dignitary.

It’s absurd, and it’s gross, and that’s why you can’t trust anyone with a lifestyle brand.

Especially Markle.

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