I don’t understand these Trader Joe’s Nerds. There’s nothing wrong with Trader Joe’s, it’s a quirky little neighborhood grocery store owned by a German multinational corporation, but it’s a pretty innocuous thing to be a fanboy or girl of.
It would be like being psyched to visit a T.J. Maxx or one of those taffy shops with the giant lollipops when you’re near a beach in meth country. I feel like these people have a low bar when it comes to what’s considered whimsical, and they might just have their minds blown if they visited a comic book shop or Toys in Babeland.
For me, buying groceries is a purely utilitarian exercise. I don’t especially care if they are or aren’t blasting yacht rock in the Ralph’s. I’m in and out like a ninja, and truthfully I don’t even want to be seen doing commoner activities. I can go load up on vegetables as well as garbage bags and cortisone cream and Roach killer and not even have to chat with my favorite checker, because the guy behind the counter appears to be coming down with the flu and not into talking. Throw all that stuff into the same bag!
Good. I’ll take that over having a ball at the Trader Joe’s, all those belly laughs and my booty of rare treasures like uncommonly dry frozen pizza, but I’m not judging.
A brief history of Trader Joe’s: It was founded in 1958 in Southern California by a businessman named Joe, who owned several convenience stores. The tiki motif was becoming hugely popular at this time, and Joe thought it would be a funny reference to rename his stores Trader Joe’s, since Trader Vic’s was a world-famous restaurant and club at the time and notoriously expensive, whereas Trader Joe’s would be a discount mart. That same sense of wackiness still prevails at the Trader Joe’s. Then in 1979 he sold the chain to the Germans and they opened many more locations.
The End.
Trader Joe’s is cheap. I’ll give it that. Interesting how the stores are only located in yuppie neighborhoods then. Not that there aren’t people struggling in these areas, I get it if you’re down on your luck and need to buy a few Roma tomatoes for the ratatouille you’re measuring by the milliliter from your New York Times Cooking subscription, but I get the feeling some of this amounts to poverty tourism, as in, why are you wearing two-hundred dollar yoga pants to shop for tomatoes that are going to go rotten on the drive home? The Whole Foods is across the street, ma’am.
Since expanding to NYC, the most popular Trader Joe’s on Manhattan is at 72nd and Broadway on the Upper West Side, where the average studio rents for $3,500.
What is it about an unappetizing $4.99 TV dinner that just happens to be Indian cuisine that drives these people wild? Wild Lamb Vindaroo? As exotic as that sounds, it’s a Hungry Man with curry sprinkled on it. Or the pizza. There are people buying frozen Trader Joe’s pizzas in New York, where you can get a hardy slice of perfection around the corner for three dollars. Why would you not just buy several of those and wrap them in foil and put them in your freezer!!!
As an Angeleno with less options I’m open to the compromise of Trader Joe’s. It’s not Whole Foods or Gelson’s, but it will do. The key word is compromise. Let’s not celebrate the mediocre. It’s not underrated. It’s completely properly rated. You get what you pay for.
Pros of Trader Joe’s:
Hardly ever a long wait, at least in West Coast locations.
If you want to buy bulk dry goods like nuts and cereal to stash in your underground bunker despite living in a major urban center, this would be the perfect place to do that if you are that one guy.
If you want to murder someone by bludgeoning them with rock hard avocados this would be a great place to go. Conversely, if you are nursing a toothless octogenarian who has just been run over by a wheat trasher back to health, this would be a great place to find extremely mushy avocados. If you are between the ages of 15-85, you may not want to buy avocados here.
They literally have thousands of avocados. Prominently displayed.
If you are unable to put ten tomatoes into a cardboard boat with plastic wrap over the top of it, they will preemptively do this for you. It’s called deceptive business practices. All of this stuff is expiring. It’s so you can’t feel the rot.
If you think Yellow Tail Cabernet is a bit too haughty for your taste at nine dollars a magnum, this would be a great place for you to buy wine.
If you are trying to lose a certain group of friends but don’t know how to properly sever ties, you can bring Trader Joe’s wine to their party, problem solved.
If you want to lose this same group of friends but are a teetotaler, you can also routinely kick off a conversation by mentioning how you save twenty cents per can of beans (or insert product) at Trader Joe’s
If you want sushi without fish in it but are a huge fan of rice, to the point that you enjoy eating fluffy golf balls, this place is great.
The beer is warm, if you’re German this is cool.
Cons of Trader Joe’s:
The salad dressing ratio is extremely lacking in the prepared salads.
Sometimes they discontinue your favorite item like lemongrass breath mint flavored tortilla chips.
Literally everything is too dry (see example 1.)
A big contingent of mopey, depressed white singles.
You may see someone there who you can tell is shopping for a wedding. Not the booze, that would be fine. I’m talking about the APPETIZERS! Thank you for coming, here’s a miniature samosa that’s all dough. How long is the bride sticking around? I give this thing six months, tops. It’s about RESPECT!
They don’t have a lot of things you expect from a grocery store. They carry a lot of frozen, unhealthy sodiumy stuff. But they don’t offer dry beans or rice, for example. The store is off its equilibrium. They have fourteen kinds of olives and some Zimbabwean inspired dips but are sorely lacking in a common staple like peas. This forces you to wander around the store for hours, thinking, surely if they have mustard flavored pickles then they must have chili powder? Wrong. This store is for people who shop exclusively via impulse buy.
Their candy isn’t quite as good as the name brand candy it’s inspired by, of which you could buy a lifetime supply of for twenty dollars.
At some point an employee is going to attack a rude customer with one of those box cutters they carry.
Parking sucks regardless of location.
She can tell where the flowers came from. Women commit the plastic wrapping to memory. It’s not about you doing her a favor, it’s about you wasting your money on her. This is not about her happiness, it’s about your suffering.