Hello. It’s been a while since I’ve written. It’s good to be back.
Amid the current fourth wave of feminism, Americans seem more divided than ever on the meaning of equality. Most of us want it, or at least profess to. But, what does equality mean anyway, and how do magnets work?
Certainly there have been some vast strides. Women now make up sixty percent of college graduates, and appear to be more likely to be hired for a job than men, and yet the Supreme Court’s perverse ruling on Dobbs seemed to invalidate years of progress in one fell swoop.
Still, life is difficult, and most Americans at this point, both men and women, are constantly jockeying for a showing in the Victimhood 500.
We’ve all heard of the gender pay gap. But people rarely mention over Sunday dinner that eighty percent of murder victims are men.
The above image is telling. At first I found it alarming. One in four homeless people are women? That’s terrible! Wait, doesn’t that mean that seventy five percent of homeless people are men?
I don’t know when we will find the delicate balance of true equality, or if it’s just something futile that must be uncomfortably worked through until we all die off, like most marriages.
Perhaps the statistic most telling, more so than one in four homeless people being women, would be that less than seven percent of people in American prisons are of the fairer, or, equally fair sex, or gender.
If you’re doing the math, these medieval for-profit state-sponsored hell holes are ninety three percent men.
That’s not equality.
Now, certainly men are more violent, aggressive, ruthless, generally more brutal than women, so I’ll readily admit that more men deserve to be in prison because they commit more especially heinous crimes and think gang-banging with their loser friends is cooler than women do.
But not this many. Nothing is this unequal.
For that reason I have drafted a new bill which I plan to present to congress, which I feel will correct this problem by putting more women in prison, in an effort to even things out, so that in the future when we speak of equality in this great nation, we may do so with confidence, and grace.
Article 1. From hereto forth, any person desirous of going into a Crate & Barrel for the purposes of looking at a table they have no intention of buying, purely for entertainment value, shall be sentenced to no less than one fortnight in a state penitentiary.
Article 2. Any individual who deems themself capable of viewing a cinematic film in which dozens of innocent people are brutally murdered by Russian gangsters but only gets emotional when a random dog gets attacked will be sentenced to no less than two weeks in public confinement.
Article 3. Any person whom shows up to a restaurant or tavern with the express purpose of engaging in a meal or strong drink, yet carries not a valid method of payment on their person will be confined for a period of at least one year.
Article 4. Any compatriot who becomes angry at another citizen for a manner in which that person behaved in said person’s dream shall be sentenced to twenty years in a state institution.
Article 5. An individual who complains when someone lets them win in a game of pool, darts, basketball, or any activity involving physical exertions, and then makes fun of that person when they beat them at said game, shall be drawn and quartered.
Article 6. Anyone who continues talking to another person for a period of longer than five (5) minutes when the other person has done nothing but sit there and nod the entire time while staring at the television shall be banished to Elba.
Article 7. Any person making another person late to a party while fanatically browsing all of the fancy deserts in an upscale food market such as a Whole Foods or Pavillions shall be forced to live at the market for one month.
Article 8. Any citizen who states to another citizen that they may choose where to go to dinner this time and then proceeds to shoot down up to five (5) of the other person’s suggestions shall be tried by a jury of her peers.
Article 9. Any compatriot wearing matching outfits and carrying crude paraphernalia to an outing celebrating the wedding or engagement of one of their peers and cackling like a belligerent banshee shall be excommunicated.
Article 10. Any person who leaves their own home in the morning with their cellular telephone on zero battery shall have to repent to thy neighbors.