The Ten Dumbest Things People Ask if you're From Alaska
Many people are curious when you tell them you're from the North Country, but many people are not very interesting, either.
If you don’t know me, my name is Matt Ralston, and I was born and raised in Fairbanks, Alaska. I have come to resent being asked the question “Where are you from?” because when I answer, ninety percent of the time, it elicits one of several predictable responses which are either illogical or far too broad for me to begin addressing.
I can observe in real time as people take a millisecond to scroll through the factoids in their brains and come up with a flimsy response in an attempt to engage in a conversation they don’t know anything about, such as, “I heard you get free money.”
This tactic actually bothers me a lot. It might seem like the person is just trying to engage in conversation, but that’s usually not it. What they are most often doing is reflexively denying that they are totally ignorant of something. Their pride just won’t let them shut the hell up for a minute. I can immediately tell they do the same thing on subjects like stem-cell research and climate change.
Anyone of any minority demographic has to deal with this on a regular basis, but I’m considering it more of a minor annoyance than a micro-aggression and not seeking to have it published on the Huff Po next to a headshot of myself looking very stern.
Cool and/or smart people don’t do this. And they don’t say “Wow, what was that like?” I don’t know dude, what is existence anyway?
They will ask a very specific question such as “Have you ever seen a grizzly bear in person” or they steer the conversation back to something we can both discuss with some familiarity.
It’s the same concept that explains why smart people are far more likely to admit they don’t know something, or that they are wrong, than dumb people are. Here are the most common responses I get, starting with the most common.
1) So, is it like, light all the time?
Yes. In Alaska the sun shines all day and night for the entire year. The sun actually revolves around it.
2) What is Alaska like?
Alaska in general? There are a lot of different regions. There are a lot of different regions of Indiana, too, but Alaska is bigger. Prudhoe Bay is over fifteen hundred miles from Ketchikan. Sacramento and San Diego both have Del Taco. This is different. Would you ask someone in Atlanta what it was like in Fargo? That would be less distance. I keep a laminated card of this map in my pocket for when I visit Barney’s Beanery.
3) Do you still have family up there?
No. Like most people my entire extended family travels by caravan, and when one of us moves the rest follow and set up a makeshift community of alcoholics. Do you still have family where you’re from? They didn’t all move to Calabasas with you to become YouTubers? Right, so it’s the same type of thing.
4) Did you go to school up there?
No. Like most children in Alaska, I received a scholarship to go to kindergarten at the University of Michigan. Then I chose a boarding school in the closest neighboring state, which was two thousand miles away. I would commute back to Alaska on weekends. Are you asking me if I attended school in the place I was born and raised? Have you thought this question through all the way Darryl?
5) How are you cold right now, aren’t you from Alaska?
This usually happens when I’m shivering my ass off in an exposed football stadium or something. And yes, since I grew up in a cold environment my genes have been permanently altered. I’m actually glad I wore this V-neck while experiencing this micro-pressure event. It is brilliant reasoning to think one might become cold not based a lack of insulation, body fat, bone density, or several other factors, and instead assume it is an epigenetic thing or that I am one of the X-Men. Well done.
6) What do you think about Sarah Palin?
I love Sarah Palin. As an Alaskan I am contractually obligated to support anyone who has lived in my state, no matter how embarrassing or irrelevant they may be. I am actually a huge supporter of the guy who busted the windshield of my car with a baseball bat when I was in high school as well. Are you from Alabama? What do you think about George Wallace and Foghorn Leghorn? You’re from Colorado huh? What do you think about those guys who shot up the high school and the movie theater?
7) Was it really cold there?
No. As you can see by this map, Alaska is an island in the Pacific Ocean.
8) How long have you been on the West Coast?
I have one of these maps in my wallet too.
9) I heard the women are ugly.
Well, that’s just a function of the diversity of the gene pool I usually say, followed by a hard stare. Alaska is one of the most diverse states in the union. There’s not a lot of old money, if you know what I mean. Not a lot of legacies. Most of the people there came from a long way away. This isn’t Alabama where there are four last names. Are you suggesting that ugly people move to Alaska, or what are you suggesting? Are you just an ugly imbecile?
10) I heard you get money for living there.
Yes, the Permanent Fund Dividend. The State of Alaska shares the oil revenue with its citizens. It’s usually about twelve hundred dollars a year. This is the big rumor you could have taken ten seconds to google. Think of it like how you received a stimulus check last year. Did it change your life, or did you spend it on DraftKings? Same concept, now shut it.
11) I went to Alaska on a cruise ship once.
Really, fuck off. I went to Cancun and puked off of a balcony. I’m sure my Mexican buddy who grew up with in a village with dirt floors wants to hear all about it.
I’d appreciate if you clicked this button and shared this post with your Alaskan friends.