Uber Eats Sexism and Hot Sports Takes

Why is your blood pressure high, Matthew?

I only watch commercials during live sports. Unlike all Americans I don’t watch football because I don’t want to come off as retarded, but these NBA playoffs have been fire so I’m seeing how the other ninety-nine percent live.

Is it a good idea to “other” the entire country, you might ask?

No idea but I’d rather be me than Will Smith, thank you for subscribing.

True story: One time I had a black car driver, not a guy who was black and drove a car, but what used to be called a limo, and I gave him a weed joint that someone had given me because I didn’t want it.

Also, the guy was black.

He proceeded to like me more than was normal because I was cool and decided to give me some “insider information” which I really didn’t ask for.

After talking for ten minutes about people I had never heard of, which by the way is always an awkward conversation… Do you know Tom Holland? No. You know, he was in that movie Umbrella? You saw that right? No. At some point you have to just start lying and vigorously nodding your head so this Asperger’s patient will stop talking.

Do I do this to people? I am a huge NBA nerd. Do I accost you with this shit and act like you should know what I’m talking about, regarding totally pointless shit? Hey, you know Zydrunas Ilgauskas? Person shakes their head No. Yeah, you do, he played for the Cleveland Cavaliers in the late 1990s? No. Come on, he was on the same team as Larry Nance, you know Larry Nance right, remember, Cleveland, conference finals, he was on the same team as that dude whose brother was blind?

Stop doing this to people. And why is it always a chick who failed at her lifelong goal of blowing one of the Red Hot Chili Peppers? That band sucks, sorry to break it to you, and you’re forty, by the way, what does your putt-putt husband think about your festival years, and how do either of you OWN A HOME?

Anyway, I hate telling this story but it’s necessary: The guy driving the black car told me that Will Smith paid him a thousand dollars to watch Jada Pinkett fuck a guy in front of Will Smith in the black car, this very car I was sitting in I must imagine, and that the man then proceeded to ejaculate onto Will Smith’s face, as was the arrangement, he then drove them all home.

I guess I digress, I was watching the NBA playoffs, really exciting stuff, but you can all go other places for sports takes, meaning people who are paid to provide useless flotsam for gambling outfits and aren’t in on the gig, or even worse are invested in it (Bill Simmons, God, what a guy with Low T can accomplish) but I’d like to talk about the Uber Eats commercial I just watched.

This is an old lady named Helen Mirren. You know Helen Mirren right? She was on that one show? With that guy? You know, the guy who made that other show with Stephen Merchant? You know who that is? He is buddies with the guy from The Office? No, not the Steve Carell one, the other one?

Yes, sure, she is my ex-girlfriend’s best friend’s uncle’s former roommate, you desperate identityless soul. I mean it’s pretty bad if Anthony Kiedis speaks to your spiritual side, go ahead and have five kids, can’t wait.

Anyway, she is an accomplished actress, nothing against her at all, but she recently did an advertisement for Uber Eats which some people found humorous.

The joke of the whole thing appeared to be that she was having a psychotic episode, which is really the only reason one would necessitate using Uber Eats when they could just drive five minutes to a Popeye’s, and at one point she muses that she would like to see her random pudgy neighbor without his clothes on, to his face, which would be legally qualified as assault.

It’s actually pretty creepy.

Now, let’s say this was a male actor of the same notoriety and demographic as Helen Mirren, maybe Morgan Freeman (who had an affair with his adopted granddaughter, he was 97 she was 14, I think he is the spokesperson of a major bank), or maybe even Michael Caine.

Let’s say you were a super savvy jet-setting worthless piece of shit advertising agency person, and you pitched this idea: “So, Michael Caine is going to be having an internal monologue and then the punchline is that he tells his female neighbor that he wants to see her naked, and she looks concerned…”

Not only would that ad not be tabled for consideration, but you would probably be fired and sued just for expressing the idea.

What I’m trying to say is that there are certain double-standards: It’s kind of funny when a woman does it, it would be deeply troubling when a man does it.

That’s fine, but we can’t have it both ways. What I’m trying to get at here, is, women, being athletically inferior to men, cannot drive a car very well.

If you don’t like that statement, then please demand justice over this commercial, people in Berkley should have an even bigger stick up their asses.

Once the game was over an infomercial came on. I don’t know about you, but these programs make me very sad, because I picture an old person buying a broom for their grandson or daughter and I get depressed at how little worth these people apparently have, to the point they express it with consumerism, I think this one was for a blanket with a hood on it.

Anyway, it was a chilly night down at my beach condo and I turned in early. At some point during the night though I got hot, sweating through the cashmere topsheet.

I then reached over and noticed something really cold, almost like a perfect offering, something I was so grateful for, a beautiful ice cube, and it was my laptop computer, I had brought it to bed with me, but I didn’t really connect all of this, I was in the REM state I think.

I placed my palm onto the computer. The metal had conducted all of the cold. Just the contact cooled me off a little, like, you know that phrase, cooler than the other side of the pillow?

Well, I didn’t flip my pillow over, but, man, this felt good. This is what cats spend most of their time doing, seeking out pleasurable surfaces. My grin was that of a happy cat as I drifted back to sleep.

Coldstone Creamery is a very successful chain of ice cream concoction things. The whole schtick of it is that they have a big ass piece of metal that is frozen, and they chop up ice cream on it for people who are too fat for normal ice cream.

There’s also a thing face-tattooed illiterate chefs often utilize, called an anti-griddle. What this is, is a cold piece of metal. It’s basically what Coldstone has.

I would never subjugate myself to this, but, if I wanted to, I could make a billion dollars tomorrow by selling old losers a piece of metal that you put in the freezer and then go to bed with.

How has a janky MAGA person not thought of this, is it because they have all of the requisite rachet Jesse Pinkman crypto mentality but are just very, very unthriving?

Anyway, until then, I’m keeping my laptop in the fridge.

Also, can we stop with the fundraising campaigns of me having to support your failing business? Weren’t you the one charging me nine dollars for a beer? Where were you when I needed you? Fuck you.

Lastly, this will be an entirely new post, but there was a series on Netflix called Manhunter some years ago.