A Meditation on Trump's Nicknames
Donald Trump delights in derogatory name calling, but doesn't he suck at it?
Donald Trump’s tactic of giving schoolyard bully nicknames to people he has a real or perceived conflict with is embarrassing on many levels.
It’s embarrassing that someone this corny is the leader of a major political party.
It’s embarrassing to the country, that we’ve sunk this low. It’s embarrassing, I’m certain, to every former president that they’re now associated with this office, as the level of discourse is at a fifth grade level.
But I would argue that even though Trump doesn’t have the capacity to be embarrassed or shamed, it’s most embarrassing to him, because being an adult participating in name calling is just sad, and on top of that his nicknames are not clever or funny.
And I don’t think they’re dumbed down. I think Trump is just dumb.
Trump recently debuted a new zinger that he was really excited to drop, in calling Gavin Newsom ‘Gavin New Scum.’
That blows, and it barely makes sense. If you want to get under Newsom’s skin, call him Oliver Twist, since he grew up wealthy and pretends he was poor.
I’m pretty good at branding, so just to prove that I’m smarter than Trump, which is sad because he’s the president and I’m an idiot, I’m going to provide some nicknames that are much better than anything he could ever come up with.
Right off the bat, Sleepy Joe isn’t that good of a sleight to Joe Biden. A much more hard-hitting moniker would be Joe Dyin’.
You’re welcome.
I’m amazed that not a single Democrat has turned the tables on Trump and insulted him with a cheeky nickname.
Maybe they’re too self-respecting, but McDonald would be a quick and effective jab, since Trump is obese and notoriously loves McDonald’s. Orange Julius and Flabbio would also be okay, or Donald Chump, which is a gimme.
With regard to Trump’s immediate family, Donald Trump Jr. should be referred to as Hitler Youth, Erik Trump as Chimeric Trump (since he looks like a mutant), Ivanka Trump as Ivanka Strumpet, and Melania Trump as Mail-In-ia Trump.
Taking a page from the alt-right vocab, Jared Kushner can appropriately be called Jared Kuck-ner, but I also think Ghost Dad is funny.
Trump has referred to Chris Christie, former governor of New Jersey, as Sloppy Chris Christie, presumably in reference to his girth.
That hits very flat. Chris Calamari, Chips Christie, and Chris Custard would all be an improvement, but not nearly as good as (I’m proud of this one) Moby Chris.
Trump has branded Florida governor and former Republican primary challenger Ron DeSantis as Ron DeSanctimonious.
That’s seems straight from the recess yard as opposed to a writers room. Ron DeListed and Ron DeLiminated are better.
Trump has famously referred to Texas senator Ted Cruz as Lyin’ Ted. Why not call him Canadian Bacon, since Cruz is a carpetbagger from Canada and a pig in every sense of the word.
The obese orange man’s animosity toward senate majority leader Mitch McConnell has been well documented, and Trump has pejoratively referred to him as Broken Old Crow. I don’t know what that means and could be a sign of Trump’s projected dementia.
Anyone who passed English 101 would simply call him Bitch McConnell (since he is a bitch), Mitch McConman, Itch MaButthole, or Kentucky Fried Turtle (since he represents Kentucky and famously looks like a turtle).
Along those lines, McConnell’s wife, career political barnacle and current United States Trade Representative, should be called April O’Neal, since she is the love interest of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
(Generally speaking, if you have to explain a joke it’s not very good, but it’s only necessary the first time, and Trump always does a preamble explainer for his retarded audience.)
Nancy Pelosi, who has enriched herself through insider trading while serving in the senate, should be pegged Nasdaq Pelosi. N Dog Millionaire or Nancy Fidelity (in reference to the investment fund) are also okay.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders, the governor of Arkansas, should be called Sarah Huckabee Un-Plannders, since her weirdo fundamentalist parents don’t believe in birth control and have taken pains to legislate against it.
Speaking of weirdos, Lauren Boebert, the Beverly Hillbilly representative from Colorado, should be called Syndrome Boebert, since she is *literally* a product of incest, and appears to be mentally deficient on many levels.
And then there’s her brain damaged psychotic Trumper buddy Marjorie ‘Drag Queen’ Greene (she looks like a dude, and I don’t like picking on someone’s appearance, but Trump does, a lot).
Representative Sam Graves, a Republican fundamentalist dipshit from Missouri, should only answer to I Am Sam from now on.
J.D. Vance, the Republican senator from southern Ohio who holds many ass-backwards shitkicker beliefs and wrote a book about his youth called Hillbilly Elegy, should be solely referred to as J. Deliverance.
Mitt Romney should be mocked for his Mormon beliefs and be christened Mitt Polygamy.
Vivek Ramaswamy, who was forced to drop out of the Republican primary pretty early on, can be negged with Vivek EeDeeDee (the joke being he’s now unemployed, EDD is what most states call unemployment benefits).
Kristen Gillibrand, Democratic senator from New York, should be Kristen Off-Brand.
Cory Booker, the exceptionally annoying junior senator from New Jersey who just happens to be in the closet, should be deemed Brokeback Booker.
Senator Lindsey Graham, who also prefers the bigger sex, and who is a lifelong bachelor and opponent of LGBT rights, should be called Lindsey No-Fam.
Tom Cotton, another anti-gay Republican loser, should be named Tom Bottom, because it’s funny and will probably threaten whatever shred of masculinity he possesses, and any guy who is vehemently anti-gay is one hundred percent gay so he’ll probably freak out if it catches on.
Avril Haines, the Biden appointed director of national intelligence, who is white, and notably tight-lipped, as well as petite, and, for the purposes of the nickname, uptight, can be called Tighty Whitey.
I’m not saying all of these nicknames are very clever or funny, they’re just better than what Trump can do, and he enjoys name calling a lot, so, if there weren’t enough red flags before, this is another one.
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